Maybe you feel like your in-laws have been too pushy with you and your spouse. Perhaps they have a habit of showing up at your house whenever they feel like it, without letting you know in advance. They might have very different ideas about how to raise children. Your in-laws may wish that you and your spouse practiced certain traditions from their culture that aren’t right for you. Or maybe you’re expected to participate in family events where you’ve never really felt like you fit in, or where your needs are continuously overlooked.
Setting healthy boundaries with your in-laws is the key to a happy marriage. However, this is definitely not something you can do all on your own. These tips outline how you and your spouse can decide which boundaries you need to set. Additionally, here's how you can continuously uphold them.
Identify Specific Areas of Discomfort
First, it’s important to think deeply about the specific kinds of boundaries you need to set. Do you feel overwhelmed by the number of family holiday events you need to attend each year? Does traveling come at a great expense to you and your spouse? Are you uncomfortable with your in-laws' outdated ideas regarding childcare?
It’s important to hone in on the particular problems you’re struggling with in regard to your in-laws. Chances are, you don’t need to cut them out of your life entirely. You just need to shift the terms of your relationship so that you can engage with them without pushing your own needs and values to the back burner.
Communicate with Your Spouse
You can’t set boundaries with your in-laws entirely on your own. After all, they’re your spouse's parents, so your spouse needs to be on board when it comes to setting boundaries.
Talk about where you feel you need stronger boundaries, and discuss possible fair compromises with your spouse until you can find an agreement that works for both of you. You should also think about how you’ll communicate these decisions to your in-laws, and how you’ll handle it if your in-laws push back.
Commit to Decisions Together
Remember, if you try to set a boundary with your in-laws, and your spouse caves to their demands, there is no way the boundary will stick. That’s why it’s so important to ensure you’re both on the same page when it comes to boundaries with your in-laws.
If you do not maintain a boundary, your in-laws will not view it as a real “rule.” They will continue perpetuating the same behavior.
Stick to an “Information Diet”
Sometimes, simply limiting what you tell your in-laws can help you maintain a more civil relationship. Let your spouse know that you shouldn’t discuss personal matters with your in-laws before clearing it with each other first.
If you are tired of hearing commentary about decisions that only affect you and your spouse, it’s time to set a boundary around sharing that information with them.
Talk to a Couples Therapist
What if you and your spouse are still having trouble setting boundaries with your in-laws? It might be time to turn to a couples therapist for guidance. This is a tricky process, and you don’t have to tackle it alone.
They can assist you in determining reasonable boundaries, sticking to your convictions if your in-laws don’t accept your boundaries, and coming up with boundaries that both of you can reasonably implement.
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Are you struggling to set boundaries with your in-laws and stick to them? Working with a therapist can help you shift your approach. Reach out to us to learn more about our therapy options for individuals or couples.